- Mar 14, 2012
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You asked for it (or at least 1 person did!), so as promised in our Pod #10, here it is.
THE SLURPEE COMMANDMENTS
OK, here's the deal. I am a Slurpee Master. Follow me into a 7-Eleven, and I'll dispense a Slurpee like a boss.
Time and time again, I go into the store and have to watch some Slurpee newbie embarrass themself while making a colossal mess. Especially on July 11th, the day free and proud Americans everywhere celebrate as FREE SLURPEE DAY. Maybe they do it in other countries too, but I don’t know.
Betcha they don't have that over in the middle east. Probably why they're always so pissed off at us. Angry at their own people for coming here and taking ownership in a 7-Eleven franchise that dispenses such unholy goodness to us heathen western barbarians.
Anyway, the time has come for me to share a little wisdom, what hence forth shall be known as 'THE SLURPEE COMMANDMENTS'.
1. Pick your flavor before you even think about getting a goddamn cup!
You know you're not gonna like Pina Colada, Bubble Gum, or any of those other wacky flavors, so don't even make like they're a choice. You'll maybe like 'em for a few sips, but 32 oz. worth? I don't think so. Stick with flavors that come in regular drink form, and start deciding among those. That'll probably leave you with only 2 or 3 choices, rather than the 8 they're dispensing.
If by some chance you're really having a hard time figuring out what you want, squirt a little tiny bit into a cup and sample it. DON'T BE AN ASS AND SAMPLE ALL 8 FLAVORS!! It's not rocket science, it's a frozen beverage. Come back the next day for a different flavor if you're having so many issues.
If the frozen consistency is in question, skip to rule 3, cause you may be needing to find a different store. Once you prepare your cup, you're stuck to that location. Unless you’re like me and bring your own cup, but more on that later.
2. Prepare thy cup, then dispense the Slurpee goodness!
How many times have I seen some idiot grab a cup, fill it to overflowing, and then try and put a lid on it? Do it like this...pick your size of 32 oz. or 40 oz. (they're the clear plastic cups), because all other sizes are for pussies. If you got a problem with that, go shuffle off to Starbucks and get your wimpy little coffee drinks for 3x the price. Scientific studies I have conducted prove that Slurpees maintain they're slurpiness better in larger quantities, meaning you'll be able to use the straw almost all the way down to the bottom, unlike the small sizes where you have the spoon the Slurpee into your mouth after only a quarter of the way through. I'm not lying, try it for yourself.
Okay, so pick your size, and then slap on the lid. Yes, use the domed lids and not the super big gulp lids just to the other side (like I saw some moron do). Next get your straw ready, but DON'T PUT IT IN YET! Just take the wrapper off, you'll see why later.
3. Quickly survey the the flavor of choice is indeed ready for dispensing!
It's really easy to see what's ready and what's not. Is there a red light next to your flavor of choice? It aint ready then, I'm sorry. All you’re going to get is some barely frozen liquid, if you're lucky. Know what I do in those situations? I go to another 7-Eleven, cause the thing's not gonna be ready for another 20 minutes. So what if you don't see a red light? Can you see the blades turning in the little Slurpee washing machine window? Yeah, not a good sign. If it looks like liquid, it's coming out as liquid.
Advanced Slurpee devotees like myself know how to properly analyze a questionable situation. Flip up the flavor sign above the window, and read the digital display to see if it's in defrost mode. If it is, walk away. An even quicker way is to give a quick twist to the dispenser to see what comes out. Perfect Slurpiness should hang out the nipple by an inch or so, freezing right there.
4. Dispense no more than 2 flavors into any 1 cup!
Don't make a Slurpee suicide, okay? You mix too many flavors, and the Slurpee will just taste nasty. This isn't a snow cone. As Slurpees melt, all the liquid collects at the bottom, so whatever your first choice was, it's now tasting like crap. The flavor you put at the top of your Slurpee, it's all drained to the bottom by the time you get to it, so really what's the point?
Look, this is another point in favor of getting one of the two larger size Slurpees. There's plenty of room for 2 flavors, and they'll retain the flavor you were going for initially. I personally like to mix the Coke flavor with flavors that I wouldn't normally be able to handle an entire Slurpee of. I'll fill the cup a third of the way with Coke, squeeze off a solid 2 inches of cup space to whatever the flavor I had in mind, and then fill the rest with more Coke. That way, I'll quickly get to that flavor, but the Coke on top will mix it down to something more palatable.
The other thing is, if you decide to mix up a whole mess of flavors, you're hogging the entire dispenser, thereby slowing up those standing behind you that otherwise might have snuck in and gotten their single flavor frozen beverage of yummy before you decided to own all 6 feet of Slurpee Real Estate.
5. If for some reason your Slurpee starts to overflow, don't panic!
Remember how I said to have you're straw ready to go? This is why. Sometimes the Slurpee you just filled to max capacity and then some, will start spewing out the top of your lid like some 4th of July ash snake. You could just dump the contents into the machine's overflow basin, but that's not how the pros do it.
Step one, put lid to mouth and suck down hard. Step two, quickly insert straw, thereby letting built up carbonation at bottom of cup a place to escape. Step three, use the straw to level out what little might still be erupting. Step four, revel in the glory as those around you marvel at how you just managed to get an extra couple of ounces of Slurpee down your gullet without making a mess, and without paying extra! This is what truly separates the masters from the wannabes. You'll be a god to any 12 year old in a two isle radius.
6. Thou shalt never complain of Brain Freeze!
For God's sake, learn how to drink a frozen beverage already! Brain Freeze comes from the frozen treat hitting the back soft half of the roof of your mouth straight outta the straw. If you slurp it into the front half of your mouth, even just for a second, that'll warm the liquid just enough to eliminate the embarrassing act of bending over in agony while stomping your feet and going 'aaahhhh, BRAIN FREEZE'. You wouldn't act that way with a margarita, so don't do it with a Slurpee.
7. Know your 7-Eleven prices!
Hey, if you wanna truly be a freakin' Slurpee Master, you gotta prove it to the guy behind the counter. $1.07, that's how much it costs me. But wait you say, that’s how much a small 12oz costs. You said to only get 32oz. or more. Listen up, nimrod. The added bonus of buying the larger sizes is they come in a plastic reusable cup that you can wash at home. Do that, bring it back, and as you march on past the clerk behind the counter, call out “refill!” and head straight to the land of frozen delight knowing you’re saving yourself a buck and some change.
Here’s where the men get separated from the boys. Come in with exact change. Then, even if there’s a line of people in front of you, you can just slap it down on the counter as you skip the line, once again saying “refill” as you look the clerk in the eye. The more you go to the same location, the more they’ll get used to this. My local guys will be mid transaction and just hold our their hand because they know what’s up. There’s been times when the clerk is in the back or outside smoking, sees me, and doesn’t even bother going to the register because he knows I’m all good.
At one time, I used to go one step beyond for those times I didn’t have any change one me. I’d throw in a Hostess cherry pie, packet of Ding Dongs, or the little six pack of Donuts. See, not only do they go great with a Slurpee, but they'd bring my total to an even $3.00. I stopped doing that in an effort to lose weight (it worked), and doubt the prices are the same as they were 8 years ago when I did that.
So yeah, earn that nod of respect.
----------------------------------------
There ya have it, folks. Do not speak to me of Icee's or Slush Puppies. My blessed Dr Pepper flavor is back at my fave 7-Eleven after I complained. When it was replaced originally, the dude behind the counter actually apologized to me. Respect, check! It had gotten replaced by of all things, evil piña colada, which I lambasted in no uncertain terms. The worst thing with that is, it's flavor taints the whole chamber for weeks, even after another flavor has taken its place. Thankfully my Dr Pepper didn't get put back in that spot. I wound up giving the counter guy a whole seminar on flavors tainting other flavors.
Yeah, I'm THAT guy!
THE SLURPEE COMMANDMENTS
OK, here's the deal. I am a Slurpee Master. Follow me into a 7-Eleven, and I'll dispense a Slurpee like a boss.
Time and time again, I go into the store and have to watch some Slurpee newbie embarrass themself while making a colossal mess. Especially on July 11th, the day free and proud Americans everywhere celebrate as FREE SLURPEE DAY. Maybe they do it in other countries too, but I don’t know.
Betcha they don't have that over in the middle east. Probably why they're always so pissed off at us. Angry at their own people for coming here and taking ownership in a 7-Eleven franchise that dispenses such unholy goodness to us heathen western barbarians.
Anyway, the time has come for me to share a little wisdom, what hence forth shall be known as 'THE SLURPEE COMMANDMENTS'.
1. Pick your flavor before you even think about getting a goddamn cup!
You know you're not gonna like Pina Colada, Bubble Gum, or any of those other wacky flavors, so don't even make like they're a choice. You'll maybe like 'em for a few sips, but 32 oz. worth? I don't think so. Stick with flavors that come in regular drink form, and start deciding among those. That'll probably leave you with only 2 or 3 choices, rather than the 8 they're dispensing.
If by some chance you're really having a hard time figuring out what you want, squirt a little tiny bit into a cup and sample it. DON'T BE AN ASS AND SAMPLE ALL 8 FLAVORS!! It's not rocket science, it's a frozen beverage. Come back the next day for a different flavor if you're having so many issues.
If the frozen consistency is in question, skip to rule 3, cause you may be needing to find a different store. Once you prepare your cup, you're stuck to that location. Unless you’re like me and bring your own cup, but more on that later.
2. Prepare thy cup, then dispense the Slurpee goodness!
How many times have I seen some idiot grab a cup, fill it to overflowing, and then try and put a lid on it? Do it like this...pick your size of 32 oz. or 40 oz. (they're the clear plastic cups), because all other sizes are for pussies. If you got a problem with that, go shuffle off to Starbucks and get your wimpy little coffee drinks for 3x the price. Scientific studies I have conducted prove that Slurpees maintain they're slurpiness better in larger quantities, meaning you'll be able to use the straw almost all the way down to the bottom, unlike the small sizes where you have the spoon the Slurpee into your mouth after only a quarter of the way through. I'm not lying, try it for yourself.
Okay, so pick your size, and then slap on the lid. Yes, use the domed lids and not the super big gulp lids just to the other side (like I saw some moron do). Next get your straw ready, but DON'T PUT IT IN YET! Just take the wrapper off, you'll see why later.
3. Quickly survey the the flavor of choice is indeed ready for dispensing!
It's really easy to see what's ready and what's not. Is there a red light next to your flavor of choice? It aint ready then, I'm sorry. All you’re going to get is some barely frozen liquid, if you're lucky. Know what I do in those situations? I go to another 7-Eleven, cause the thing's not gonna be ready for another 20 minutes. So what if you don't see a red light? Can you see the blades turning in the little Slurpee washing machine window? Yeah, not a good sign. If it looks like liquid, it's coming out as liquid.
Advanced Slurpee devotees like myself know how to properly analyze a questionable situation. Flip up the flavor sign above the window, and read the digital display to see if it's in defrost mode. If it is, walk away. An even quicker way is to give a quick twist to the dispenser to see what comes out. Perfect Slurpiness should hang out the nipple by an inch or so, freezing right there.
4. Dispense no more than 2 flavors into any 1 cup!
Don't make a Slurpee suicide, okay? You mix too many flavors, and the Slurpee will just taste nasty. This isn't a snow cone. As Slurpees melt, all the liquid collects at the bottom, so whatever your first choice was, it's now tasting like crap. The flavor you put at the top of your Slurpee, it's all drained to the bottom by the time you get to it, so really what's the point?
Look, this is another point in favor of getting one of the two larger size Slurpees. There's plenty of room for 2 flavors, and they'll retain the flavor you were going for initially. I personally like to mix the Coke flavor with flavors that I wouldn't normally be able to handle an entire Slurpee of. I'll fill the cup a third of the way with Coke, squeeze off a solid 2 inches of cup space to whatever the flavor I had in mind, and then fill the rest with more Coke. That way, I'll quickly get to that flavor, but the Coke on top will mix it down to something more palatable.
The other thing is, if you decide to mix up a whole mess of flavors, you're hogging the entire dispenser, thereby slowing up those standing behind you that otherwise might have snuck in and gotten their single flavor frozen beverage of yummy before you decided to own all 6 feet of Slurpee Real Estate.
5. If for some reason your Slurpee starts to overflow, don't panic!
Remember how I said to have you're straw ready to go? This is why. Sometimes the Slurpee you just filled to max capacity and then some, will start spewing out the top of your lid like some 4th of July ash snake. You could just dump the contents into the machine's overflow basin, but that's not how the pros do it.
Step one, put lid to mouth and suck down hard. Step two, quickly insert straw, thereby letting built up carbonation at bottom of cup a place to escape. Step three, use the straw to level out what little might still be erupting. Step four, revel in the glory as those around you marvel at how you just managed to get an extra couple of ounces of Slurpee down your gullet without making a mess, and without paying extra! This is what truly separates the masters from the wannabes. You'll be a god to any 12 year old in a two isle radius.
6. Thou shalt never complain of Brain Freeze!
For God's sake, learn how to drink a frozen beverage already! Brain Freeze comes from the frozen treat hitting the back soft half of the roof of your mouth straight outta the straw. If you slurp it into the front half of your mouth, even just for a second, that'll warm the liquid just enough to eliminate the embarrassing act of bending over in agony while stomping your feet and going 'aaahhhh, BRAIN FREEZE'. You wouldn't act that way with a margarita, so don't do it with a Slurpee.
7. Know your 7-Eleven prices!
Hey, if you wanna truly be a freakin' Slurpee Master, you gotta prove it to the guy behind the counter. $1.07, that's how much it costs me. But wait you say, that’s how much a small 12oz costs. You said to only get 32oz. or more. Listen up, nimrod. The added bonus of buying the larger sizes is they come in a plastic reusable cup that you can wash at home. Do that, bring it back, and as you march on past the clerk behind the counter, call out “refill!” and head straight to the land of frozen delight knowing you’re saving yourself a buck and some change.
Here’s where the men get separated from the boys. Come in with exact change. Then, even if there’s a line of people in front of you, you can just slap it down on the counter as you skip the line, once again saying “refill” as you look the clerk in the eye. The more you go to the same location, the more they’ll get used to this. My local guys will be mid transaction and just hold our their hand because they know what’s up. There’s been times when the clerk is in the back or outside smoking, sees me, and doesn’t even bother going to the register because he knows I’m all good.
At one time, I used to go one step beyond for those times I didn’t have any change one me. I’d throw in a Hostess cherry pie, packet of Ding Dongs, or the little six pack of Donuts. See, not only do they go great with a Slurpee, but they'd bring my total to an even $3.00. I stopped doing that in an effort to lose weight (it worked), and doubt the prices are the same as they were 8 years ago when I did that.
So yeah, earn that nod of respect.
----------------------------------------
There ya have it, folks. Do not speak to me of Icee's or Slush Puppies. My blessed Dr Pepper flavor is back at my fave 7-Eleven after I complained. When it was replaced originally, the dude behind the counter actually apologized to me. Respect, check! It had gotten replaced by of all things, evil piña colada, which I lambasted in no uncertain terms. The worst thing with that is, it's flavor taints the whole chamber for weeks, even after another flavor has taken its place. Thankfully my Dr Pepper didn't get put back in that spot. I wound up giving the counter guy a whole seminar on flavors tainting other flavors.
Yeah, I'm THAT guy!
