Dealing with Loneliness (NP)

This is probably one of my worst problems that I'm facing in my entire life. Most of the time, especially during school, I feel as if I'm completely isolated. I don't know if it's the things that I like to do (especially pinball), that I'm just not cool to hang out with, or any other reason that caused me to feel this way. I'm not a mean person; I'm just having trouble finding people to hang out with. (Though, I do feel that it has to do with what I like to do, because I can't find anyone in this school who likes to play pinball or go bowling.) I enjoy being here and on other sites and met a ton of people (well, sort of), but it just doesn't seem to click to me yet. I also have this problem at home. Again, it's like I have no one to spend time enjoying the things I like to do. It's as if I'm an invisible ghost trying to find such friends.

Is there anything that I'm doing wrong? I've tried talking to my counselor, but nothing is really helping. It just feels like an eternity to finally hang out with some people like you guys.

http://pinside.com/pinball/map/pinsiders

 

[Captain B. Zarre]

You're not alone.

I've had the same feelings for a while. Way back in 5th grade no one really cared for me, trusted me, or noticed me at all. They just thought I was no one and walked away.

My best suggestion would be to take on different hobbies. From my experience, no teenagers around your age really care as much about pinball as you do. Maybe you can talk to some people in school about what their interests are, and then perhaps get into that hobby while still having your love of pinball. And we all have felt the same way you have, no matter how popular we are on the forums. Here you've got the best community you can find with your interest

 

[Naildriver74]

17 can be a ***** it was a long time ago for me but I still remember. Keep your head up and eyes open. Get into things that will give you the opportunity to meet other people. If you have the time volunteer at the animal shelter there is nothing but unconditional love in that place. You have made some good friends around here. Just hang in there time seems to help things get better and a little effort on your part it may work itself out. Take care

 

[Shaneus]

If you can, see if there's a local tournament comp/league you can join. I never got out a hell of a lot and to a certain extent I still don't, but the first Monday of every month I know I'm going to catch up with a bunch of folk who love something I love as well The competition is honestly a distant second.

I know there is a website where you can meet up with people who have similar interests (buggered if I can remember the name, though) so if there's something you're keen on other than pinball, look it up on there. Hell, even if it's a movie club or something, it's an excuse to go and hang out with people you'd never think of hanging out with. I was surprised to see a large number of groups including several ones in my own town, so I'd be surprised if there wasn't one in yours, too

Also, have a look around to see if there's a local pinball map for you. I know there's one I use (melbournepinballfinder.wordpress.com) which introduced me to the main tournament around Melbourne, hopefully there's a local one for you, too.

Best of luck!

 

[Buzz1126]

You are going thru a tough time. I can tell you form experience that seventeen isn't easy. I can also tell you there something on the other side.
Let me ask you some questions. Do you like sports? Find a league around where you live that has softball, basketball or flag football. Even if you aren't a pro, you'll increase your skills just thru practice. And afterwards, you can get together with your teammates.
How about the library? Many have lectures and/or discussions regarding popular books. Not only will you meet people, you'll be able learn as well.
If there is a place to hear music, go there, a lot. Listen to different kinds of music, not just in your comfort level. You will be surprised what you will find an appreciation for. And as you see more and more of the same people, ask them what they thought of the performance. Going to plays is another way of meeting people.
Attend church. It sounds like you may have a church already. Don't be shy about asking what someone thought of a sermon. Go to Bible study for your age group. It doesn't mean you have to be the next Billy Graham. It's a way of growing what's within you.
In any case, broaden your horizons. There is soo much out there. Take that first step. It might not feel easy, but that next will be a little easier, I promise you!
That other side I mentioned? Here I am, fifty-five years old. A father and a grandfather. Married for twice as long as you've been alive! A kidney transplant survivor. Oh, I look back on my teenage years and I howl with laughter! Did I feel that way at the time? No, I didn't. In fact, it was one of the toughest times in my life.
But I got thru.
You will, too. You asked for prayers and you shall have them. I wish you the best!

 

[invitro]

To make friends, the idea is to not focus on -your- hobbies, but -their- hobbies. Talk to other kids about what they are interested in, and do the things that they like to do.

It is always true, at any age, that the people with the most friends are the people who take interest in other people.

In any case, you're incredibly lucky to be 17... in one year, you can go to college or move elsewhere, and find bowling and pinball leagues. This (and just about everything else) becomes a lot more difficult at more advanced ages!

 

[shutyertrap]

It's been a long time since I was 17, and the above posters have given some good ideas. Here's mine...

- When walking around, be it at school, the mall, wherever, keep your head up and make eye contact with everyone you pass. Wear a slight smile, like you know something they don't. Back in my freshman year of college, I skated to class, wore earbuds listening to music, and couldn't figure why I wasn't meeting new people. So I tried an experiment, despite being uncomfortable. I walked to class from my dorm, didn't listen to music on the way, and said "hi" to anyone I made eye contact with. I did the same inbetween classes. You know what? Within that time I met my future friends for the rest of college, had some nice conversations with a couple of girls, and generally seemed approachable.

- Don't worry so much about finding people with your interests. At your age, nobody is set in their ways. Let others introduce you to new things, you can introduce them to your things. All but one of my friends today could give a sh!t about pinball. They're still my friends though. Music, sports, TV, movies. These are your passports into other people's worlds. Try and be fluent in at least 2 of those, and I guarantee you'll be able to talk to anyone.

- Get a part time job. You'll immediately have something in common with everyone else there, the workplace. This is similar to joining a sport, but doesn't require you to actually be athletic! Unless you are a horrible employee, you'll form a bond with others for sure. I worked at a water park for 2 summers in high school, so I was surrounded by other teens both in the workplace and those visiting the park. The fact I was flipping burgers sucked, but it's a high school job, not a career. Work at a movie theater, at the popular fast food joint, wherever your peers hang out. You'd be surprised at how this will help break down the barriers.

- Summer for a teen is a magical reset button. Finish a school year as one person, come back in the fall as another. If you are starting college, it's even better as you are starting with a clean slate. First you need to figure out who you are, who others think you are, and who you want to be. It's not about changing to be more like them, but embracing your identity. Point is, if you start the next year looking and acting just like the previous, people are going to pigeon hole you as they last remembered. Make some changes, they'll give you another shot.

So if you dress like a goober, stop! Shave that facial hair, because you're not fooling anybody. Get a new haircut. Commit to working out over the summer, be it running every night or lifting weights. Start playing an instrument, or take up an outdoor hobby. Just make a change that makes you happier with yourself. If you are pleased with you, it'll show. It's amazing what you can do in 2-3 months. And then people will start talking..."what happened to him over the summer?"

- Guys can be dicks at your age. Making new friends at this point can feel futile. What do most guys your age have in common? Girls are a complete mystery. So here's the deal. I'm sure you know who the nice girls are versus who the total uptight she devils are. I don't care if you are remotely interested in dating any, try starting a conversation with the nice ones. Just introduce yourself, comment that it's strange after all these years of going to school with them you know so little about them. See if they'd like to grab a drink at the local Starbucks just to chat. They might come right out and say, "I don't want to go out with you", but that's okay. You just want to have a friendly conversation. If you can get the girls to be fine with talking to you, the guys are gonna think you a god, and that will open them up to seeing you in a new light.

- Hang in there. There is a world of difference between being 17 and 20. I know that seems like forever to you, but trust me, it's a blink of the eye to those of us in our 40's and beyond. The main thing is to make yourself seem available to talking. If you hide behind phones, earbuds, laptops, or spend all your time indoors, you're not going to meet new friends. Get out there, keep your head up, and smile now and then for no reason at all.

 

[neglectoid]

great post syt.
@pinballwiz you seem like a good lad but I DID unsub from your youtube/steam (and I love watching anyone play pinball) channel cuz YOU WERE unresponsive. I don't give the phuck what you look like or what your good at. you just seemed like a jerk.. and I didn't care for that. (think of me as that ugly girl in your English class)

I DID feel like you wanted someone to care for ya, and I did open my arms to ya, but you didn't accept it, so YOU should INTERLIZE your inner feelings.

it may be you.. but im willing to bet, that's not the case. OPEN UP.

I don't really care if you did or didn't repond to me.. hence my NAME neglectoid.
I wanna say so much more to ya, but I don't think you'd be responsive, nor would you care. sorry for the tough love, but your old enough to accept your own actions.

 

[Pinballwiz45b]

great post syt.
@pinballwiz you seem like a good lad but I DID unsub from your youtube/steam (and I love watching anyone play pinball) channel cuz YOU WERE unresponsive. I don't give the phuck what you look like or what your good at. you just seemed like a jerk.. and I didn't care for that. (think of me as that ugly girl in your English class)

I DID feel like you wanted someone to care for ya, and I did open my arms to ya, but you didn't accept it, so YOU should INTERLIZE your inner feelings.

it may be you.. but im willing to bet, that's not the case. OPEN UP.

I don't really care if you did or didn't repond to me.. hence my NAME neglectoid.
I wanna say so much more to ya, but I don't think you'd be responsive, nor would you care. sorry for the tough love, but your old enough to accept your own actions.

Youtube is different. Blame Google-. But still, I apologize. Which comments are you referring to? I may have not seen them yet (either that or they're hidden from my view; again, blame Google-).

 

[neglectoid]

pinwiz45b
I reread my post and it came off sounding a lil 2 harsh, im sorry dude. I really do like talking to you in the chat when you use to come around. (stop by again sometime)

I seem to recall that you wrote a similar blog around thanksgiving, and IMO, if you are gonna put yourself out there like that, and people take the time to read and respond to your blog you could at least thank them for the words of encouragement. I wrote a fairly lengthy post to that blog but ended up erasing it and not posting it cuz I didn't think you would care.

once again, im sorry if my post came of sounding harsh, there are some great tips in this thread that others left, that could be helpful for you. take care, and keep your head up!!!

 

[Buzz1126]

Youtube is different. Blame Google-. But still, I apologize. Which comments are you referring to? I may have not seen them yet (either that or they're hidden from my view; again, blame Google-).

I went to YouTube, didn't know you had stuff there. On the first video up, "Attack From Mars", I learned something right out of the gate! I never thought to let a ball coming out of "Stroke Of Luck" bounce off the left flipper and catch it with the right! I always back-hand it up and around to add more bonus, especially during any kind of multi-ball. Next time I play, I'll give that a shot!
You've been given a lot of ideas. I'll bet there's close to two hundred years of experience on this board. Not only from living thru it, but bringing someone into the world and bringing them up as well. I won't pry about your home life, that's no one business but yours. If you have a dad or a step-dad, try talking to them. I'll bet they went thru a similar situation. An older brother or step-brother has too. You'll be surprised how much closer you'll get just by opening up. Moms try, oh boy do they try! They gave birth to us, they will be telling us what to do forever. Just give her a hug and tell her you love her and thanks for trying.
But here's the thing-you've got to give it your best shot, man. No one out there knows you're lonesome, just like you don't know who's lonesome either. Take the feeling you have now, and imagine how you would feel if someone came up to you and invited you out for coffee or dinner or just to hang out. You've got the opportunity to help both you and someone else. It's just a matter of doing it!!
Buzz

 

[foxystyle]

"friends are forever until they get in relationship"

 

[mmmagnetic]

Being social is a skill you have to learn. Some people seem to be born with it, other people like myself learned it by trial-and-error.

These days I find it pretty easy to connect with new people, but it used to be completely different. The one thing you need to accept is that you´re going to fail on your first couple of tries. People will reject you, that´s just the way life works.

Simple things like "keeping eye contact once in a while" are small steps you can take. Try not to think so much about what other people might think of you, but focus your attention on THEM during your interactions. I still sometimes struggle with this - being too caught up in my own head because I worry to much about my own image - so I sometimes do this little trick: Instead of thinking "oh god I hope I´m not coming across as some complete idiot!" I think about "what has this person I´m talking to to offer? What can they give me? What are they wearing, saying, behaving like?" Try to really pay attention to the person in front of you - develop a curiosity.

In general, it´s easy for a lot of people to fall into a trap of desparation, where you´ve made a couple of "bad" experiences (that might not even have been THAT bad, but get amplified in your head the more you think about them) and then they retreat from the world. Don´t let this happen.

Realize that who you THINK you are isn´t necessarily who you ACTUALLY are. Maybe you think there´s something wrong with you, that you´re just some kind of weirdo, but you don´t have to let that control you.

I´m 30 right now and I´m happier than I have ever been, and that´s mostly because I decided I didn´t wanted to be this brooding, negative, "them-versus-me" sadsack anymore. I´m exagerrating a little, but when I was a teenager I had this weird feeling that everybody else was having fun and that I was sort of excluded from it all, even if I was right in the middle of it, as if there was some sort of weird force-field.

I later realized that it was all in my head. A negative self-image is the single biggest enemy you can ever have; nothing else can completely taint and skew everything you see, feel and think about. I still sometimes have this odd feeling that I´m "simply a weird guy and everybody can see that" - and it´s funny, my girlfriend of almost 10 years said "exactly, I´m the same way sometimes!". This feeling of inadequacy can be stuck in your outlook on life for a long, long time, and it takes attention and mindfulness to realize that it´s just a story of yourself that you made up in your head.

And in general, being 17 is just a very difficult age. I hated being at school where I was stuck with people that I had little in common with. As you get older, things might get much easier - as long as you keep an open mind and try to work on your problems.

Also: Nobody is perfect. Almost everyone is worried and anxious once in a while. The question is: Do you let these feelings completely control you, like some sort of demonic autopilot, or do you want to take control, even if its one step at a time?

Oh, and smalltalk! Learn to do smalltalk. I used to hate it, but it´s basically the tool to get in touch with strangers and trying to find out if they think the same way as you do. Yeah, it´s mostly nonsense about little meaningless details, but the process itself is what it´s about, not the actual content of what you´re talking about. Maybe you discover you both like blue shirts, that you like soccer, whatever. What specific music you listen to or your hobbies aren´t always as important as the general feeling you have when you´re with that person.

This is getting a bit long, but one last tip: Patience. These things take long. Try to enjoy the process and try not to cling to your expectations of success. I made most of my best friends at places and at times that I didn´t expect at all - that´s why it´s important to stay mindful of the people and situations around you. The less you worry about yourself, the more capacity you have to connect with people.

And one very last thing: Good friends are quite a rare thing. Most people don´t have more than 2 or 3 really close friends. I went though some phases in my life where I didn´t have ANY really close friends at all; on the other hand, my 3 best friends these days are all people I met during the last couple of years (I´m 30 now).

Good luck!